If you're looking for somewhere to grab a bite to eat in and around Salford Quays you could do worse than try the local wing of Mexican chain restaurant Chiquito. You would have to make a sustained, significant and creative effort, but you could.
Perhaps try dipping your hand into the stuffed, fag-end-rich, bin at the local tram stop. If you're particularly unlucky the results of your plundering of that teeming tram tombola might see you end up with something less fit for human consumption than the dried up, crusty old distant relative of a Chimichanga that the nominally-named chef had the temerity to re-heat and serve us on our recent lunchtime visit.
You could pop in to see the lovely, friendly people at the Salford Watersports Centre, hire a wetsuit and take a brisk open-mouthed swim in one of the area's picturesque water basins.
The effect of the recycled quay water washing over your taste buds might rival Chiquito's alleged Aztec Tomato Soup, a warmed-up, watered down salsa masquerading as a spicy starter, for queer unpalatability and queasy texture.
You'd be expecting unpleasantness in that situation though; you would, under normal circumstances, keep your maw firmly zipped while front-crawling where geese have honked, flapped and defecated. The lock-lipped luxury of this option is unfortunately not one afforded to you when presented with a bowl of this thin, bland, odd pseudo-soup.
To somehow undercut the paucity of the greasy, oily scant scattering of cheesy mushrooms served up, with a laughable gesture towards rusticity and authenticity in an earthenware pot, as Mushrooms con Queso, you'd probably have to try next door, at Frankie & Benny's, and order from their similarly sigh-filled menu of pre-cooked, warmed-up, dried-up, faux-cultural, food-shaped disappointments.
You could join the local teenagers, attracted by the bright lights and consumer opportunities afforded by the Lowry Outlet Mall and the recently-opened Morrisons, and take a deep draft from a cannister of Lynx Dark Temptation. That chocolatey aerosol blast could plausibly be worse than the synthetic texture and chemical finish of Chiquito's neatly conceived but poorly executed Mini 'Shot' Desserts. Both will leave you feeling unwell, and neither is recommended.
You could do worse. You could come out of a restaurant feeling more sickly, more underwhelmed and overcharged. You could have a less stodgy, gloomy and depressingly functional eating experience. It is hard to imagine but, I suppose, you could do worse.
Our Rating: 
